


If My Trauma

by tarte



Series: if my trauma [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, BOY I HOPE EVERYONE IS STILL ALIVE AFTER THAT, Based off Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FUCK, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Not Cheating, This is also based off If I btw, meanie, why do i ever do this to myself?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2017-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 17:51:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12237750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarte/pseuds/tarte
Summary: He couldn’t breathe.It felt like he was waking up in a world with no colour, no sound; nothing.It had been three months, three whole months since Mingyu left.He wished he could say it wasn’t a mutual decision.





	If My Trauma

**Author's Note:**

> k, so trauma dropped 2 hours ago and on my twitter i was like "HM SO WHAT IF........ WHAT IF THERE WAS A TRAUMA X IF I AU" and this is what i did to myself. I'm making this a series so do read on! 
> 
> also if you were at diamond edge SG too, i hope you had fun! i sure did!
> 
> GO FIND ME ON MY SOCIAL MEDIA
> 
>  
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/mikwonsoftword?lang=en)

He couldn’t breathe.  
  
It felt like he was waking up in a world with no colour, no sound; nothing.

It had been three months, three whole months since Mingyu left.  
  
He wished he could say it wasn’t a mutual decision.  
  
Wonwoo sits in the middle of his living room, finding it far too difficult to even get up to eat. He wasn’t used to it, after all: cooking for himself. Mingyu used to force him to eat when he spent far too much time working on his novel.  
  
But what’s the point of looking back on things that didn’t matter now? Wishing to have what you couldn’t have wasn’t just a waste of time, it was the constant effort of letting yourself down over and over again.  
  
Who could subject themselves to things like that? To constantly hope someone who didn’t love you would walk through the door and make it all okay again—Wonwoo had to admit. It was all plain bullshit.

 

It started with Mingyu coming home later and later, sometimes sneaking out early in the morning to God-Knows-Where, and returning deep in the night when Wonwoo had already fallen asleep. Days would pass without seeing his boyfriend, and even when he managed to finally catch him, Mingyu would be exhausted; needing a lot more sleep than he usually did.  
  
It started with Mingyu not replying his texts, not picking up his calls, and sometimes even leaving him on read.  
  
Wonwoo loved him with all his heart, but being ignored by the one you loved the most would make even the most gullible suspicious.  
  
“Seungcheol,” He had approached his older friend one day while Mingyu was still at work, “Do you think Mingyu’s been acting weird lately?”

“Huh? Why would you say that?” Seungcheol asked as he looked up from the book he was reading. Wedged in one of his hands was his phone, as if he was expecting a very important call or text from someone. Who was he waiting for that he couldn’t leave his phone for even a minute?  
  
“He’s been coming home really late, lately. He also leaves the house really early too. I barely see him anymore.” Wonwoo’s fingers play with the hem of his own oversized shirt. He was cold, the slender fingers trying to find warmth in the cotton threads of his clothing. Today was terrible—a wet, rainy mess in the middle of fall. Too bad it wasn't summer. He loved summer rains.

 

“Really? Well, I don’t think I’ve heard from him lately.” Seungcheol said, absentmindedly thumbing the pages and flicking them. He wasn’t reading anymore. It was clear something was on his mind, but Wonwoo was far too deep in his doubts to even show concern to his friend.  
  
But Seungcheol would later tell him that he didn’t blame him. After all, who would even think about bothering with someone else’s problems, when they couldn’t solve their own?  
  
“Come to think of it, though. Hansol did mention something about meeting up with him the other day. Do you think he knows something about Mingyu?”  
  
“That’s…”  
  
“I think you should call him, Wonwoo.” Seungcheol cut him off as he sat up, placing the book down on his lap and unlocking his phone. Nothing. There was nothing on his phone.  
  
“I guess I will.”  
  
Before either one of them could make a move to call the youngest of the group in question, Wonwoo’s phone vibrated; the notification bar on the lockscreen showing the message that he received.

 

 _Gyu 14:07pm_  
  
hyung, gonna b home late tonite! Make sure u eat

“He’s coming home late again.” Said Wonwoo, while he tossed his phone to the side.  
  
_I haven’t seen him in a week._

_\---_

“No? I don’t think I’ve seen him.” The half Korean man said, the static on the phone making his voice a little distorted. Wonwoo sat back down on their shared bed, curling up while he bites his lower lip. Was Hansol lying to him?  
  
“Are you sure? Seungcheol said you went out with him.”  
  
“… Not at all,” The hesitation in Hansol’s voice obvious. “Seungcheol must have gotten me mixed up with someone else.”  
  
“Are you s—“  
  
“Hansol!” The new voice on the other end was soft, a little distant, as if someone had just entered the room. It was, however, loud enough for Wonwoo to recognize. His blood turned cold, and his frame froze in shock. Before the voice could say anything further, however, Hansol interrupts.  
  
“Wonwoo, I really gotta go,” he said in a hurry. “I’ll call you back later.”  
  
_Click._  
  
The line went dead.

\--- 

What could it mean? Why was Mingyu at Hansol’s house? Why were they lying to him?  
  
  
The doubts in his head grew louder, and louder. His hesitation felt crippling to the core. It was hard to trust the texts that Hansol and Mingyu sent his way.  
  
  
_hansol 05:17am_

_Sry, I just got ur text! I was busy rushing smth!_

_Gyu 05:20am_

_sorry babe, just got off work, i hope you ate the spaghetti I left on the counter!_

_hansol 10pm_

_I’m visiting soonyoung-hyung in the hospital tonight_

_Gyu 10:21pm_

_Sorry, I’ll be late again tonight_  
  
The dark thoughts in his head only grew louder, and louder. Every text they sent felt like a knife in his heart. There was no one he could talk to about it, either. Seungcheol was distant; and he had been for months now. Soonyoung was in the hospital. How could you speak to someone who wasn’t even conscious? Hansol was someone he definitely didn’t trust at this time to discuss this issue.  
  
Mingyu? What was there to say to him?

There wasn’t a day that went by without Wonwoo’s thoughts consuming his head. He couldn’t write a word on paper; despite his novel being due in a few months. Even living was hard. Staying in the walls of the apartment alone made him realise that it wasn’t the furniture and his belongings that made it feel like home. It was Mingyu. His smile, his laugh… Even his mere existence made the boring, beige concrete walls look like painted rainbows.  
It was him who made it feel like home.  
  
He was suffering. He couldn’t shake the nagging feeling off that he was cheating on him for Hansol. Seungcheol kept telling him: “Hansol said he was hanging out with Mingyu!” and that definitely didn’t do good for his head.  
  
Every thought snowballed, and it all crashed one day when Mingyu finally came home.  
  
Wonwoo was happy to see him. He was so happy that Mingyu finally returned home early. He could eat dinner with him again! He had lost quite a bit of weight from constantly forgetting meals. He could cuddle him, and sleep by his side, knowing that Mingyu was there; warming up the other side of the bed.  
  
He was ready to welcome Mingyu home, but that was all before he felt his heart broke when he saw him in the doorway.  
  
Kim Mingyu standing there in one of Hansol’s shirts, smelling like Hansol’s cologne.  
  
It felt like a whirlwind. He didn’t even realise it until the very moment his palm made contact with Mingyu’s cheek. His senses were numb to everything but the feel of warm flesh on his hand, the sound of skin hitting skin filling the air.  
  
He saw nothing but Mingyu’s shocked expression, his eyes as wide as plates while his tanned cheek burned an ugly red.  
  
“Wonwoo?”  
  
He couldn’t remember much of the screaming that followed. It wasn’t like the quarrels they had every now and then; no, it was a lot more angry and hurting. The words pierced through hearts, and even when Mingyu was throwing his clothes into a luggage bag, Wonwoo could think of nothing other than Mingyu cheating on him.  
  
“Are you done shouting at me? Do you really think I cheated on you?” He had said, looking so hurt that his fidelity had been doubted.  
  
“How can I not? You’ve been IGNORING me for WEEKS now, and Hansol is LYING to me that YOU DIDN’T MEET UP WITH HIM!” Wonwoo was fuming. He was never this angry before, in fact, he didn’t get angry that easily. He was never good with his emotions, choosing to instead hide them behind an indifferent expression most of the time.

“You really think I’m doing something with _Hansol_?! Listen to yourself, Wonwoo! _I’m_ not the one Hansol is pining after!” He yells, grabbing the handle of his bag.  
  
“How can you still say that? You’ve spent so much time with him, you have to stop _lying_ to me!”  
  
“HANSOL WAS HELPING ME PICK OUT A RING FOR YOU, IDIOT!”  
  
The thoughts in Wonwoo’s head stopped, and he felt his blood freeze. It was so hard to open his mouth, to say anything.  
  
Eventually, his dry lips parted, and he spoke.  
  
“… A ring?”  
  
“ _That’s right,_ Wonwoo! He was trying to help pick out a ring, and set up a proposal plan with me!” Mingyu shouted, his fists curling so tight that his knuckles turned white.  
  
“But—“  
  
“If you _didn’t_ doubt the fact that you’re the only one I love, I would have proposed to you tonight. Guess that’s not happening now, huh?” The taller man said, his voice close to a whisper. Mingyu reached into his pocket, then reached down to grab his hand; pushing a small velvet box into his hand. “I don’t need to be around someone who doesn’t think I love him.”  
  
He turned away, bag in hand as he rushed towards the door. Wonwoo couldn’t move. He could only stand in disbelief over what had happened, trying to make sense of the whole situation.  
  
The texts?  
  
The late nights and early days?  
  
Had he been lied to by his own demons?  
  
In the next moment, he felt numb, but he could feel his legs bringing him forward as fast as he could. Arms reached out, he moved to embrace his lover, the one who had stuck by him all this while; but he met with nothing.  
  
The door slammed in front of his face, and that was the last of Mingyu he would see in the months to come.

\---

The first week was hell. He called and texted, called and texted. Delivered, but not read.  
  


_Sorry, the number you have called is—_.

 

It was difficult. Calling Hansol was the worst, knowing that he had basically left a crack in their friendship with the way he had targeted the younger male.  
  
“Wonwoo, I don’t think he wants to talk to you right now.” He said. Wonwoo couldn’t hear anything but silence, and he could only wonder if Mingyu was sitting next to him right now, keeping as quiet as he could so that he wouldn’t know he had taken temporary shelter in their mutual friend’s house.  
  
“Hansol, listen—“  
  
“No, Wonwoo. It’s best if the both of you not talk to each other right now.”  
  
It was hard, but he had to admit it. The both of them needed to cool off right now, Mingyu more so. If that was what he wanted, Wonwoo had no choice but to agree.  
  
“… Alright. Thanks Hansol. Bye.”  
  
_Click._

\---

It had been three months since Wonwoo had last seen Mingyu. It hadn’t gotten easier after the first week, nor has it gotten easier now. Everything reminded him of Mingyu. There wasn’t a single day that he didn’t think of him.  
  
How could he have done that to them? It wasn’t fair to Mingyu, but it wasn’t fair to himself either. If only he hadn’t listened to himself. If only he hadn’t doubted him.  
  
The ring on his left ring finger shone in the sunlight, as Wonwoo lay on the floor, quietly basking in the sun’s rays.  
  
Maybe he should move on. There wasn’t any news of Mingyu wanting to come back either, and his other two friends were busy with their own problems. It was hard, but Wonwoo was alone again.  
  
Was it fair to say that he was used to it? Maybe he should have expected it.  
  
As Wonwoo closed his eyes, he bit his lower lip, feeling the pain shoot through his jaw.  
  
_I deserve it. There is no way he’s coming back after what I did._

It seemed like hours passed while he lay on the floor. He didn’t remember when he did it, but he passed out into a dreamless slumber, waiting for his monotonous life to go by while he dwelled on his own flaws and weaknesses.  
  
The clock ticked away when suddenly, the sound of a key in the keyhole filled the apartment.  
  
_Click, clack._  
  
The knob turned, and the familiar creak of the oak door sounded.  
  
It could be a robber or a burglar—Wonwoo didn’t care. It could be one of his friends, he didn’t know. Whoever walked by through the door then didn’t matter to him, since the only one he wanted to see wasn’t coming back.  
  
Or so he thought.  
  
“Wonwoo?”  
  
His eyes snapped open as he sat up, shocked eyes glancing up to a very familiar face. His smile was still the same, but he looked so tiredly apologetic as if he had aged a bit in that few months of not seeing him.  
  
“Hey, baby. I’m home.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> don't worry about the open end, btw. there's definitely gonna be a continued chapter. i won't leave this series with only angst heh
> 
>  
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/mikwonsoftword?lang=en)


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